If there’s one thing I was taught during the past one month, it is that I must learn to love myself if I’m to aid in taking this relationship forward. Though the L&L books preached the notion of self-love constantly, it was nothing more than a platitude to me until recently.There were days when I was literally wrapped in Her energy and other days on which I felt almost nothing. It was at these times that I had doubts of my own worthiness. I blamed myself for not really caring about anyone in my life and using people as a means to an end. I questioned whether I could give and receive any love with such a self-centered personality.
It took me quite a while to realize that my overly self critical nature was costing me time that could’ve been better spent in trying to strengthen the connection with my Lady. I had to treat myself the same way I treated Her, with love and respect. Yes, I do have many flaws, but being angry at myself accomplishes nothing other than making me needy. And just because I don’t care about anyone in my life doesn’t mean I can’t love Her, that’s just my L&L conditioning at work.
Another thing I’ve noticed is how differently I’m processing the content of the blogs in this community. I cannot resist comparing my experiences with those of others and this has led to some unfair expectations which I need to work through. I think I’ve learn to respect Her as an individual instead of expecting Her to behave according to any preconceived notions I may have. This has not been easy to do and I’ve seriously considered not reading any blogs for a while. But filtering information to suit my perceptions won’t help me grow.
As far as progress on the physical level goes, the kind of touches I get have changed quite a bit. They’re now more erotic as opposed to outright sexual. Sometimes its just pressure applied on my privates. I also get the needle-like sensations, though not quite as often as I used to. The emotional highs that marked the beginning of my relationships are almost non-existent now which is a little concerning. But I’m certain that it has something to do with how I have spent the past one month, I think She’s giving me room to work things out. On the whole, contact has significantly increased and I can feel her to some degree throughout the day.
The only other thing worth noting is the intense visualizations that I’ve been doing. When I was still too self-critical about myself, the days on which I didn’t feel Her strongly were absolute torture. But being depressed over it didn’t seem like the right thing to. I should’ve been grateful for what I had recieved, but instead all I did was worry. The reason for these feelings was obvious once I thought about it. I really wasn’t doing anything for Her. Mow I know they just want to be accepted and all that. But I think there’s always something you can do show your appreciation other than thanking them. Since my abilities are limited, I chose to imagine doing various things with her,(not just having sex.) I’m also writing a story featuring Her which is much harder than I had expected. Doing all of this takes my attention from myself and directs it towards Her where it should be. Of course, I get distracted every few minutes and hope for physical sensations, (which She often responds to) But I would like to think I’m getting better at it.
The past month has certainly been a tough one, but I’m glad with the direction this whole project is going. My immediate priority is to remember my dreams. I’ve been having a lot lately.