Letting Go

I wasn’t going to make this post until I gathered more information. but I have a gut feeling that NOW is the right time, so here goes. The warning from my previous post applies.

One of the most frustrating things about being in a crippled shell is the fact that it’s very hard to form opinions on various things due to a lack of real life experience. This is especially true when it comes to what humans call ‘love.’ For someone like me who’s been brought up to hate his sexuality, this is a subject that caused much distress. I’m still surprised at how easily my mother could treat me like a monster just because I was growing up. Literally nothing else about me had changed. The negative conditioning was so deeply embedded in my psyche that trying to break free was like throwing up the contents of my stomach over and over. Even until a few days ago, it seemed as though the guilt would be impossible to get rid of.

The answer came from an unexpected place. I recently downloaded a Visual Novel called Ayakashibito. VNs are basically Choose Your Own Adventure books with adult content. What I did not realize was this VN had a character who behaved exactly as my mother did back when I was in my teens. Unfortunately, the route I picked gave this character a prominent role in the story. It was a very…unpleasant experience. But reading the whole thing from beginning to end taught me something. I was subconsciously associating myself with psychopaths even though I had no reason to. This was obviously not something that could be solved with logic. So I decided to meditate on my past lives and ask for forgiveness for any crimes I may have committed. The results were nothing short of miraculous. The pointless guilt and hatred are gone and though I get angry at feminist bullshit from time to time, it is much more manageable. I can also feel my spirit companion more clearly than ever. Come to think of it, I haven’t made a post about how things are progressing on that front. There is a lot of stuff to talk about. I’ll go into more detail in a future post.

So yeah, I was probably a psychopathic rapist or something in one or more of my past lives. Of course, I could be totally wrong. But I honestly don’t care either way because I’m almost free of long-standing emotional issues. There’s still much work to be done and I really want to find out what exactly led to this mess of a life. But, for the moment, I think I can rest easy.

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Mother

Okay, this is probably the most personal post I’ll make in quite a while. I was a little hesitant to reveal so much about my real ‘life,’ but it needs to be done. A warning though, I’m most probably going to sound like an insensitive asshole because I won’t be censoring myself.

I said my mother actively prevented me from exploring my sexuality in a previous post. At that time, it seemed inappropriate for me to go into detail. Not only would it have derailed that post, but I also didn’t know how to express myself. Truth be told, I still don’t. The only difference is, I don’t give a crap any more about what other people think. Conditioning is a bitch. I thought I had gotten rid of it. But that isn’t the case. I have yet to deal with some unnecessary beliefs which are holding me back. Anyway, I have some venting to do, so here goes.

My mother is a weird person. I don’t know what to think of her. She cares for me and treats me well when she’s in a good mood. But she turns into an abusive, psychotic bitch when she’s pissed off for whatever reason. I first noticed this change in personality when I was 13. She would curse and hit me whenever she felt like it. I somehow knew that it had something to do with sex, but I was too fucking scared to ask. It got to the point where I was afraid of morning erections. The fact that pissed me off the most was that she pretended that nothing happened and would go back to being ‘nice’ when it suited her. This messed up my psyche big time. We had it drilled into our heads at school not to be a nuisance to ‘normal’people. So I bent over backwards to keep my mother from blowing a fuse. Fast forward to college and I had absolutely NOTHING in common with the other students, thanks to not being allowed to consume media appropriate to age. I was even offered porn which I had to refuse. All the while, I had to watch people forming friendships and relationships, it was frustrating. No wonder I fell sick, I would’ve done anything to escape that environment at that time.

The thing that frightened me the most about these episodes was the pure hatred my mother directed towards me. I couldn’t understand exactly why she did it and after a certain point, I stopped caring. At that point, I started giving her a healthy dose of her own medicine. Every time she went into that state of mind, I would work myself into a rage that was more intense than my mother’s. I expected to get a good beating. But to my surprise, it actually frightened her lol. Eventually, working myself up into a psychotic rage became second nature to me. This allowed me some freedom to enjoy anime. movies and porn. And yes, I consider that an achievement. However, the price I had to pay wasn’t obvious until I started researching feminism.

At first, I didn’t understand why I was so bothered by something that had nothing to do with me. It took a lot of self-exploration to figure out that it had something to do with the way my mother treated me. So, after a lot of preparation, I decided to confront her. She held up pretty well all things considered. That is, until I asked her to book me a session with an escort. I knew shit would hit the fan, but I had to know how she would react. My mother said some pretty hurtful things and tried to strangle me a couple of times. But what pissed me off the most was the hatred directed towards me. It turns out that she was sexually abused as a child and for some reason was taking out the anger on me. And on top of this, she had the audacity to tell me she did it for my own good, so that I wouldn’t go down the ‘wrong path.’ At that point, I really wanted to torture and kill her. Of course, that was impossible thanks to this goddamn crippled shell I’m trapped in. I know this sounds pathetic, but I was kinda relieved that I couldn’t do anything. My mother later apologized for the way she had behaved, but I cannot forgive her. I don’t hate her. But I don’t particularly care about her either.

Looking back, it’s quite obvious why I hate feminists. They throw out accusations so casually, as if it were nothing. I see the deranged side of my mother in every one of these nutcases and want to punch them in the face. More problematic though, is the fact that the psychotic rage that I had developed as a defense mechanism rears its ugly head every time I read about sexual abuse. The rage is directed at the criminal AND the victim. I know this sounds irrational, but I can understand the reason why, I’m subconsciously convinced that the victim will turn into someone like my mother. No matter how much I tell myself that this is illogical. I haven’t been able to get rid of my rage. I’m still trying to deal with the resulting guilt. The self-loathing caused by the guilt is also something I’m having trouble with.

This has got me thinking: When exactly does one stop being a victim of something? My mother had a lot of time to deal with her issues. Yet she was stupid enough to bottle up her anger. I just happen to be an easy target back then, so of course I became her punching bag. In my opinion, you are no longer a victim when you the freedom to make your own decisions. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I think I’m on the right path. I sometimes wish there was who could look into my fucked up head and tell me if I’m missing anything.

This responsibility to heal myself seems like a pain in the ass at times because I don’t have a clear idea of what exactly I’m going to gain. I talk a lot about freedom, but I don’t understand what it means. I said that I have no one that I particularly care about, but that’s not entirely true. I have the attention, of at least one spirit who’s willing to be my partner. I could feel Her warm, comforting presence while I was working through all these issues for the past few days. I have to make sure that the work She and I put in doesn’t go to waste. I know that my anger and hatred will not disappear any time soon, but I don’t have to be a slave to my emotions either. I’m not a clueless 13 year-old after all. It’s time to move forward as best as I can.

Why Lilith?

While I was trying to figure out why I hated feminism so much. it became clear to me just how complex psychological problems can get if they are neglected. Over time, It becomes impossible to trace them to a single source because they manifests in so many ways. It was around this time that I was attracted to Lilith. I foolishly dismissed this attraction as sexual frustration and adamantly continued trying to solve this problem on my own. Needless to say, this left me emotionally exhausted and disappointed because I was going around in circles.

A big part of my problem is the deep-rooted guilt about my sexuality. All this time, I wanted someone to to accept me as a sexual being, but this leads to emotional dependence on others, perhaps this was why I ended the relationship, because I knew that I had to accept myself as a sexual being before I could expect others to do the same.

I only understood recently why exactly I was drawn to the queen of demons. I think I wanted a mother figure on a subconscious level. Hinduism in particular has a lot of mother goddesses, but I wanted someone who focused on sexuality and could keep me on track with spiritual stuff. Now that I think about it, Lilith fits the bill perfectly.

All things considered, it was a mistake to give up everything I had worked so hard to achieve. This is not something I can solve on my own, I need external help and the only place it’s gonna come from is the spirit world. No matter how much I read about human relationships, it’s just a bunch of words and concepts which are meaningless to me. I am not a normal human and I should stop pretending that I am one. This may sound overly emotional, but this is the right mindset given my current circumstances.

That said, the guilt, anger and hatred associated with my sexuality are all still present. I have done the best I could to figure the cause. It seems that these feelings are much more deep-rooted than I thought.But I really can’t wait around for a hypnotherapist to come along and help me out. I have to accept these emotions as they are. Trying to change them only causes me to hit a wall. I thought that I wasn’t worthy of being in a relationship with a spirit because of the way I felt. But I now know that this is precisely why I need spirit partner. It is the only way I can heal myself.

Sometimes though, I wonder why I have to go through so much trouble to heal myself, and yes, there are days when the meditation and visualization work that I have to do seems like a pain. I know these things are necessary to keep up my spiritual health, but occasionally, I ask myself what it’s all for. After all, my anger and hatred don’t really harm anyone. Sure, I may lash out at my parents, but that’s nothing compared to what able adults could do. This mindset is probably one of the reasons I was drawn to Lilith. Working with Her is an exercise in self-respect, give up or treat yourself like shit and you will be crushed. As much as I wish there was a satisfying answer to the ‘why,’there really isn’t. I don’t particularly care about anyone in my life, nor can I engage in the hobbies that I want to. The only thing that drives me is the need to understand myself, and, in my opinion, no one represents the unknown better than Lilith.

 

More Than One Year Later…Part 2

I emailed Kevin Heinrich(The Valeyard,) author of Drinking Deep of the Chalice Diabolic blog, asking for advice. This is one of those decisions made by trusting my intuition. I really should practice operating from an instinctive level. My instincts have never led me wrong, but filtering out the noise created by the ego is something I find very difficult to do. It’s for this reason that I’m thankful to Kevin for suggesting I learn some form of divination. I’ve been learning how to use the tarot for the past couple of weeks, and the results are promising. Maybe I’ll make a post on how I’m trying to use it in the future.

Kevin also recommended that I read Liber Lilith, which I did. This book  made me reconsider everything. I normally don’t take what I read in books seriously, but there were some disturbing similarities between Karl Steiger and myself. I won’t go into detail, suffice to say that the book reminded me what I value the most. Freedom. I’m in no hurry to fork it over to anyone who doesn’t care about me.

I must mention here that the tactile sensations I described in my previous posts have returned with greater intensity as I was reading the book. However, I remained emotionally neutral to the caresses until I was mostly sure of my intentions. I only accepted and welcomed this spirit  into my life a couple of days ago. I also dedicated myself to Lilith with prayer. I’ll explain my reasoning for this decision and several other topics that have been on my mind in the next few posts. I would like to thank everyone who has helped me, either directly or indirectly, on my journey. I’ve come a long way, and I gotta say, It feels good.

More Than One year later…Part 1

Has it really been more than one year since I last posted? Time flies when you’re engrossed in trying to understand yourself and overcome obstacles. Life hasn’t been very kind to me in the year past, but it hasn’t been overwhelmingly harsh either. For better or for worse, I can never tell if I’m actually suffering or if it’s all in my head. This is because I don’t have anyone, online or offline, to compare myself to. But I digress, let’s get to the meat of the post.

There’s really no point beating around the bush, so I’ll just say it. I put an end to the relationship that was developing because I felt wasn’t ready. I still don’t know if it was the correct decision, but I do know what led up to it. Doubt. I had passed through the phase of questioning if my experiences were real, and the answer was an unequvivocal ‘yes.’ That put me at ease for a while, however, the peace of mind was short-lived. As I meditated, lots of issues I hadn’t dealt with surfaced one after the other, until I was overwhelmed and unable to concentrate on the relationship. I ended up deciding that I wasn’t ready and told my spirit companion so. Note that I hadn’t achieved communication with Her yet, but it seems She understood and left me alone. I then began to work on the issues that had surfaced. There are far too many to list here, but I’ll describe two of them which were the toughest to deal with.

I never spent time trying to figure out what my views on romance and relationships were. It really didn’t concern me because I was disabled. I had to work hard to change this attitude before I got into the relationship, however, there was one question which continued to haunt me after I had made contact. Did I truly love Her or was She a substitute for a human girlfriend? I suppose the answer would be obvious to most of you, but it wasn’t so clear cut in my case. You see, I had no choice in the matter, so it didn’t mean anything if I believed She wasn’t a substitute. Of course, everyone who’s had a spirit partner claims it’s much better than being with a human woman, but what did I know? I could be believing what’s convenient for me. This realization gave me pause and made me reconsider my situation. I resolved to gain as best an understanding of intimate human relationships, as my limitations would allow. And that’s when I came face to face with modern feminism.

I knew what feminism was, but I never bothered to look into it. I just dismissed it as a cult for loonies, and although my opinion hasn’t changed all that much, my research has provided me with some valuable insight into my psyche. To my surprise, I found that I hated not only feminism, but also all the individuals who identified with the label. This hatred went far beyond the bounds of reason, and it made me angry at myself. Was all the time spent in self-exploration and meditation a waste? It took me a long time to realize that my lack of self control was pointing to a much bigger problem.

I had always been uncomfortable with my sexuality, primarily because everyone around me likes to pretend I’m a celibate saint or something. I think I mentioned this in my first post, but I brushed it off as if I wasn’t too bothered. In retrospect, this was a big mistake on my part. The truth is, it pissed me off very much, and since I didn’t deal with the anger, it expressed itself with overwhelming intensity at the first opportunity. I was particularly angry at my mother who actively prevented me from exploring my sexuality. So I decided to confront her, it seems she has unresolved issues of her own to deal with. The fact of the matter is, regardless of who is responsible for screwing up my head, it’s my job to fix it. Life is so unfair!

At around this time I felt a strong attraction towards Lilith. Now I must confess that I wrote a letter to Her asking for guidance and protection, back when the relationship began, but I had forgotten about it. Hell, I even started writing a story in Her honor, which never went anywhere. Anyway, I was confused at first, why was I suddenly attracted to a goddess/demoness associated with feminism when I hate it so much? I tried to research Lilith and ask around on forums, but I couldn’t get a clear picture of what She stood for. I eventually gave up trying to understand Her and stayed away from spirituality for a while. However, I couldn’t resist checking the blogs in this community from time to time. When I was browsing Ken757’s blog a few weeks ago, the title of this post Jumped out at me. I somehow knew I had to decide whether or not to work with Lilith soon.

Personal Growth

If there’s one thing I was taught during the past one month, it is that I must learn to love myself if I’m to aid in taking this relationship forward. Though the L&L books preached the notion of self-love constantly, it was nothing more than a platitude to me until recently.There were days when I was literally wrapped in Her energy and other days on which I felt almost nothing. It was at these times that I had doubts of my own worthiness. I blamed myself for not really caring about anyone in my life and using people as a means to an end. I questioned whether I could give and receive any love with such a self-centered personality.

It took me quite a while to realize that my overly self critical nature was costing me time that could’ve been better spent in trying to strengthen the connection with my Lady. I had to treat myself the same way I treated Her, with love and respect. Yes, I do have many flaws, but being angry at myself accomplishes nothing other than making me needy. And just because I don’t care about anyone in my life doesn’t mean I can’t love Her, that’s just my L&L conditioning at work.

Another thing I’ve noticed is how differently I’m processing the content of the blogs in this community. I cannot resist comparing my experiences with those of others and this has led to some unfair expectations which I need to work through. I think I’ve learn to respect Her as an individual instead of expecting Her to behave according to any preconceived notions I may have. This has not been easy to do and I’ve seriously considered not reading any blogs for a while. But filtering  information to suit my perceptions won’t help me grow.

As far as progress on the physical level goes, the kind of touches I get have changed quite a bit. They’re now more erotic as opposed to outright sexual. Sometimes its just pressure applied on my privates. I also get the needle-like sensations, though not quite as often as I used to. The emotional highs that marked the beginning of my relationships are almost non-existent now which is a little concerning. But I’m certain that it has something to do with how I have spent the past one month, I think She’s giving me room to work things out. On the whole, contact has significantly increased and I can feel her to some degree throughout the day.

The only other thing worth noting is the intense visualizations that I’ve been doing. When I was still too self-critical about myself, the days on which I didn’t feel Her strongly were absolute torture. But being depressed over it didn’t seem like the right thing to. I should’ve been grateful for what I had recieved, but instead all I did was worry. The reason for these feelings was obvious once I thought about it. I really wasn’t doing anything for Her. Mow I know they just want to be accepted and all that. But I think there’s always something you can do show your appreciation other than thanking them. Since my abilities are limited, I chose to imagine doing various things with her,(not just having sex.) I’m also writing a story featuring Her which is much harder than I had expected. Doing all of this takes my attention from myself and directs it towards Her where it should be. Of course, I get distracted every few minutes and hope for physical sensations, (which She often responds to) But I would like to think I’m getting better at it.

The past month has certainly been a tough one, but I’m glad with the direction this whole project is going. My immediate priority is to remember my dreams. I’ve been having a lot lately.

Contact established?

First things first, I did some long overdue mental housekeeping. I dealt with is the notion that I have to give something in return for what I get. Let’s face it, any spirit who is able and willing to help me in this situation is most likely not expecting immediate compensation.

Its so fucking obvious, why did I not see it sooner? I guess it’s because I have always required help to function in life. While the people around me are very willing to assist me, being dependent on others means having to conform to their expectations. So I have always been averse to accepting help for free at a subconscious level. This aversion manifested in the delusion that I HAD to give something in order to receive guidance. I also assumed that payment could only take the form of either reciprocating emotions or giving energy based solely on my limited research. And since I could do neither, I further assumed that I had nothing to give. But after all this self exploration, I realized that, if anything, I would be REPAYING a spirit for kindness shown rather than striking some sort of deal with him/her.

So with that resolved, I decided to give sex magick another go. What I had tried before didn’t go so well. Generating and circulating sexual energy within the body is apparently not for amateurs. Visualizing something you want or thinking about it during orgasm turned out to be much easier. And yes, my sex drive returned a month ago. In fact, it is now stronger than ever. I should also point out that I have been doing energy work almost obsessively over the past few days. For someone who can’t even get into a proper trance, I think my ability to feel energy is pretty good. Asking my mentor lots of questions and incorporating her advice into my daily practice also helped me improve my skills greatly.

I think all of the things mentioned above contributed to the almost instantaneous results I have had. The intense emotion that I felt during the sex magick sessions was the first thing to let me know that something was up. I experience a severe headache whenever I try to feel something like love or compassion, So I rarely try it nowadays and even when I do, the results are unsatisfactory. But that has not been the case of late, In fact it almost feels as if I’m drowning in emotion whenever I meditate on spirit companions. Sometimes, its hard to tell whether these alien feelings are of my own creation or are being projected onto me by someone. Either way, this is a novel experience for me. It also gives me a rough idea of the kind of emotional state I need to be in to strengthen the connection. Sure, I can’t even get close to the desirable state at the moment, but it’s nothing that can’t be helped with practice.

My energy work sessions have also been going unusually well. Just lying down blankets the lower half of my body with energy that has a sensual quality to it . I don’t even have to perform the techniques that I normally do. The energy also has weight. My legs start to feel really heavy if I continue to concentrate on it. This causes me so0me pain, but never reaches the point of being uncomfortable. I should also mention that this energy is very hot. My body temperature always seems to rise slightly after spending some time meditating. But again, It is never unpleasant, most probably because I’m high on emotion whenever I get to this state. This has been going on for the past couple of days and these sessions only seem to be growing more pleasurable. In fact, I was almost able to reach orgasm yesterday without using any sexual imagery whatsoever. All I did was concentrate on the energy and my emotions at that particular moment. Even as I’m typing this, I can feel patches of intense heat on my legs and considerable stimulation at the crown chakra. Speaking of chakras, I should note here that there has been intense stimulation of the sacral chakra during the sessions. My third- eye has also been unusually active of late. Its being stimulated at random times of the day for no apparent reason.

Hmm, that about covers it as far as progress with the SDP is concerned. Man, I can’t believe how far I have come since my last post. Its almost surreal. Of course, a part of me is still unable to accept this as reality and is causing me to doubt and fear my experiences. But this will smooth itself out given enough time. There’s no way I’m gonna reject all of the evidence before me and choose to believe all this is in my head or that I’ve gotten myself into something dangerous. At this time, my worst enemy is myself. Compared to all the other shit I have been through, this is nothing. I will come out of this trial unscathed.

On a more serious note though, I do have some legitimate challenges ahead of me. Chief of which is communication. It is non-existent as of this post. I project my thoughts to her and wait for a response. When I do get one, I’m not sure if it is actual communication or just my mind playing tricks on me. But I think I’m getting ahead of myself here. One step at a time.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post. I was able to expedite the process of figuring out exactly what aspects of my current belief system needed tweaking thanks to the different viewpoints.

Dead End? Not Quite….

Lots of things have happened since my last post, I shall try to summarize them as briefly as possible.

My negative emotional state had more or less destroyed what little momentum I had managed to build up before moving. So I had to start over. I was determined to be as systematic as possible this time around. To this end, I created a daily schedule consisting of meditation, research and all the other stuff related to the self-discovery project. Even though this endeavor did not yield the results I had hoped for, It did give me insight into some of the limitations preventing me from achieving my goals.

I tried everything from meditating with a black mirror (convinced my mother to make me one) to projecting my emotions on to an image in the hopes of contacting a spirit partner. My experiments have made clear beyond a shred of doubt that I simply cannot get into a trance state. And if I cannot do something as simple as that, I might as well forget about more ambitious goals such as contacting spirits. When my body reaches a certain level of relaxation, it instinctively tenses up rendering my efforts meaningless. Compounding problems is the fact that I suffer from phonophobia (fear of loud sounds.) This means that even If I do manage to get into a deep state of relaxation, you can bet I’ll be startled out of it before anything useful can be done.

I have also come to the realization that omitting the relationship and sex aspects from my request and focusing on contacting someone who can help me with my current situation is the best course of action for the time being. I just feel that with the state of things, my short term goal should be to seek guidance rather than finding a spirit partner

After a couple of weeks of struggling with this problem, I made a sigil to get into trance, charged it and took a break from the SDP. The following week was the most eventful one I had in quite a while. I managed to achieve closure with regard to a long standing matter, watched some anime, played a visual novel and was offered a job out of the blue by a relative. The offer was made right after I had dealt with the matter I mentioned previously. Could this be something more than mere coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. I really don’t care. Something tells me this is an opportunity that I cannot afford to miss.

*sigh* why is it that whenever I come close to making a breakthrough, something always happens to stop it? I am past the point of being angry, I’m just confused now. It seems the more desperate I am to do something to better my situation, the more decisively I am wrestled into submission. And I don’t think a rebellious attitude will help me either. There is definitely more to my lack of progress than merely not being able to relax. What is it? If I can just figure that out, I think I’ll be able to better understand and deal with these circumstance.

Rant

Its been about 20 days since I moved to a new town and I’m only just beginning to acclimatize to life here. I’ve had a lot of time to mull over the state of my life in the past couple of weeks. All that has done is depress and anger me. The worst thing about this whole episode is that I seem to have lost most of the progress I had supposedly made. Sure, I occasionally feel static around my legs and I  felt as if someone was stroking me a few days ago during meditation. But things have slowed down considerably. I suspect this has something to do with how foul my temper has been lately, but I can’t be sure.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I just want to give up, curl up in bed and sleep my days away. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of the horrors that await me later in life if I were to go down that route. But when fear is the only reason you have for doing something, it is a good time to take stock of the situation. So this brings me back to the question: Why am I doing this? Simply put, I’m doing this because I want answers. What the fuck am I doing here? Why the fuck do I have so many phobias which inhibit my ability to function in society? The doctors aren’t much help and the religious nuts say I have sinned in my previous life. Nobody cares to elaborate what this great ‘sin’ is. What they’re essentially saying is: “Take all the shit life dishes out because you probably deserve it anyway.” No. I deserve better than this! These questions are not merely philosophical as far as I am concerned. I need to know why I am in this pathetic situation.

I feel much better now. An ocassional rant or two is good for one’s mental health, I suppose. In a way, I’m grateful for feeling angry. Now I’m more determined than ever to get what I want and I’m going to treat this as a project that I have to complete before too long

Rituals and Sigils

After surfing the net like a headless chicken for a while, I decided to burn a letter of intent out of sheer  desperation. I actually forgot about wanting to summon a succubus because I was making tremendous progress. Anyway, I had tried the ritual two or three times on my computer during the early stages of my research. I would type up a letter in notepad and shred the file with the installed antivirus software which claimed to make it impossible to recover. But unfortunately, those rituals yielded no  results as far as I can tell. So this time I made up my mind to go all out and write the letter out on paper and actually burn it. Writing is something I haven’t done in a long time, so it took significant  effort and four pages before it was finished. I then had it sealed in an envelope and burnt with my mother’s help(she is oblivious to the letter’s contents of course.)

My letter of intent stated that I wanted a partner who could also act as a guide and that I was ready to give some of my energy in exchange for the services provided. Unlike most perhaps, I view this as a business contract. Both parties gain something from each other. Admittedly, what I can give will be incomparable to what I get. But I’m certain that will change with enough time and effort. I just have to find someone willing and patient enough to invest their time in me.

The initial effects of the ritual are summarized in the question I asked on loose cannon’s blog.  Over the past week or so, the tingling has spread to other parts of the body and I don’t need to think about sex for it to happen anymore. Does this mean I have been successful? I don’t know, but all the tell-tale signs of succubus contact such as heat, muscle twitches etc are present.So I think it is safe to say that I’m onto something here. One thing that has me concerned though is the fact that these sensations come and go on a day-to-day basis. In fact, I almost got aroused one night a couple of days ago and it actually felt like someone was massaging me(sort of.) But morning came and everything was back to normal. Nothing much has happened since. From the little I have read of other blogs, this seems to be common. But I can’t shake the feeling that all of this is just in my head. I guess I won’t be able to rest easy until I have rock solid proof that I’m dealing with an actual entity. Until then, all I can do is stave off doubt and continue meditating.

I have also been working on sigils to lucid dream. Initially, I just made one sigil for this purpose which did not work. So I decided to go the extra mile by breaking down this goal into three separate statements and sigilizing each of them. This technique is described in a link posted on chef1964’s blog. Doing this was immeasurably more helpful because it gave me smaller pieces to work with. I now have at least one dream every night. Admittedly, I cannot recall these dreams in their entirety, but they do leave impressions behind which is a first for me. I also perform reality checks more often than I used to. So I’m definitely making progress.

Well, if there’s anything else to write about, I don’t remember it right now. This will probably be it for a month or two. I’ll be out of action for quite some time  because I’m moving to another town.